Making Room for More

Dreams.

Let me just start out this post by stating a couple of things (because my mom reads this and I don’t want her to panic). No, I am not pregnant (it’s not even a possibility anymore) and we are not in the process to adopt more children. That being said, I have a heart that is ready for more. Here is what I mean by that statement. We have 10 children, and it would be very easy for me to set my heart against welcoming any more into our home. In fact, that is where I have been recently. I have lived in a place of full and finished. A schedule so compact there isn’t room for any flexibility.

There was one other time when my heart was in a similar state. I had two miscarriages in 2012. This was a very difficult season in my life. My first trimester with my son, Josh was scary. I spent part of it on modified bed-rest. When he survived past the 12 week mark, I was so grateful. Shortly after though, a new emotion entered my heart. I was disappointed. Let me explain. At a church ladies retreat in 2013 after the two miscarriages and while trying to get pregnant again. I felt I heard from the Lord. Sitting in one of the evening sessions, I felt Him speak to my heart that He would redeem the two babies I had lost. To seal the moment, I wrote J&J on a seed packet. The theme that year was seasons and there were seed packets to represent spring. I tucked that packet away into my special box at home, and waited for God to fulfill His promise. I knew this would be my last pregnancy. I decided this must mean God was going to bless me with twins. When the ultrasound showed just one beating heart, at first I was relieved and thankful. Then, I was sad. I thought I had heard so clearly from God that day at retreat. Yet here I was with only one baby in my womb. It seems like such a silly thing to be upset about, but I was. It was deeper than having multiple babies. My faith in my ability to hear from God was shaken. As a woman who has loved God my whole life and striven to follow after Him, it was deeply wounding to me to feel as though I heard Him wrong.

With all of our biological babies we waited until they were born to find out their gender. There are so few genuine surprises in life, and as a lover of surprises, I enjoyed waiting. So when I told my husband with certainty that we would be finding out the gender of our baby before his birth, he knew something was wrong. I had a box of girl clothes and a box of boy clothes. I wasn’t going to get pregnant again, we were no longer fostering due to the size of our family, and clearly God wasn’t speaking to me, so I only needed to keep one box. Looking back I can see I was just upset. With the amount of stuff in our garage, it didn’t really matter if I kept both boxes of clothes. But at the time it seemed imperative to me that one of them leave the premises immediately. Fortunately, my husband was used to dealing with my pregnant emotions and encouraged me gently to give it some more thought.

I don’t remember what book I was reading or even what the words said. I do remember I was sitting in the waiting room of an office while one of my children was at an appointment. I was reading to pass the time, and something jumped out at me which caused tears to fall down my cheeks. I realized in that moment I had shut God out because He didn’t fulfill His promise to me the way I thought He should. In that room, sitting in my chair, I was reminded of the greatness of God. I was humbled when I realized I put the Creator of heaven and earth into a small box of my understanding. The Lord had spoken to me, and told me He would redeem my babies. Who was I to decide how that would be done? I wiped my tears and asked for forgiveness in my heart. I immediately felt such a sense of peace. I have no idea what the people around me thought, but I didn’t care.

We welcomed our son Joshua into the world in February of 2014. He was such a precious baby who filled our hearts with such happiness. What I didn’t know at the time was across the United States a couple who had brought a little girl home from Russia a few years before was at a crossroads in their lives. They loved this little girl so much, but felt they could no longer meet her needs. They began the process to look for a new adoptive family. Two years later that little girl would come be a part of our family. Our sweet Joy.

J & J.

J&J, a promise from God had come to fruition. It didn’t look anything like I thought it would. My two children don’t replace the babies who are already in heaven. But the Lord filled my arms and redeemed my heart.

I was reminded of this recently, and once again I went to the Lord with a humble heart. I have always been the kind of woman ready to love and welcome as many children into my home as needed. It has only been in the last few months my heart decided it was closed to that option. There may never be anymore children who call me, “Mom,” and that would be okay. The point is my heart is open to the possibilities of God’s plans for my future. I am reminded my life is not my own. If He calls me to lay it down again for another child or 100, I joyfully will. I am making room in my heart for more.

Abby

Always room for more.